Leaning In...
As I sit here waiting for my therapist appointment, in a very crowded waiting room, I don’t understand why it has a stigma attached. I would venture a guess that the most balanced, healthy people I know probably (secretly) go to a therapist. As posted in previous blogs, we have had to go to therapists for adoption agencies and specialists. That was more of a legal thing. They want a professional to give you a few once overs before they make a potential nut job a parent (a la honey boo boo). After the initial adoption visits, I kept going because I liked it…and it was covered by insurance back then. My therapist at that time looked like Shania Twain. (Suddenly my husband said he wanted to go with me when I told him that). To recap, my pcp is Mr. Big, my specialist is Jim Tressel and now my first therapist is Shania Twain.
Shania got pregnant with twins, after she and her husband had a male fertility issue. See? The secret handshake. I never knew she had fertility struggles until I talked about it. I am shocked she even told me since she was in a professional atmosphere. She said she was worried how I would react to her pregnancy news. I told her the same thing I tell everyone. I will still celebrate pregnancies and birthday parties. I cannot curl up in the fetal position every time someone with a baby walks by or when a friend announces her pregnancy. That would be a very long and miserable life. Sure, I still have moments. Have you seen the movie Julie & Julia? If not, you should as it is fantastic. In one scene, Julia Child is walking with her husband arm in arm down the street when they pass a couple with a child. She looks a little longer and over her shoulder as they pass, and her husband squeezes her arm. You probably did not even notice that scene, did you? I did, as a new member of this secret fertility struggle club. Yes, even Julia Child struggled with having a baby. Later in the movie she gets a letter from her sister that reads her sister is pregnant. She is happy for her, but Julia has a moment. I too have my moments but am genuinely happy for those expecting or with children. I just make a mental note that those sweet itty bitty babies will one day be teenagers :).
At any rate, Shania still has not returned to her practice with two little ones at home. When we sought out our specialist Tressel, he recommended another therapist in the same building where I saw Shania. We had to see him, as was required by the specialist. When I miscarried, I took the bull by the horns and immediately made an appointment to start seeing him. As I wrote previously, I had no idea what emotions would surface after losing a baby. Would I prefer to be upset and angry? No. Who wants to feel that way? So I came to see my current therapist. I have to give him a celebrity or fictional name as well, but I will have to think on that one (I welcome suggestions). He has read this blog, so maybe we should call him Brad Pitt?
You see, as I have posted before, I know couples that are divorced or are not happy and when they receive my secret handshake (see secret handshake post), I then learn that these people have struggled with fertility. I am not saying the fertility struggle caused them to divorce but I would venture a guess that it, at the very least, put some sort of emotional and\or financial strain on the relationship. If nothing else, I am proud of how my husband and I have handled this nine year journey. To give you some perspective, where were you nine years ago? Wherever it was, that is when we started our quest to have a family. My nephew just turned 9. He is now in the third grade. We started our attempts at parenthood when he was six weeks old.
As I go to my therapist, I feel so much better. I think it is healthy to go. I learn something each time I visit with him. I would highly recommend it to anyone, especially couples struggling with fertility – even as preventive care. Be proactive. Go BEFORE you actually need it so you can understand what challenges or feelings MAY come up. I would definitely recommend it if your insurance covers it. Then it is a no brainer. Go. If you don’t like it, try another therapist. I would bet that you just may like it. The world just may be a nicer place if more people at least tried a therapist. And no, therapists are not all like the one Joe Gorga and Teresa Giudice saw on RHONJ. I adore mine and there is no shame in saying that I go to one (much like there is no shame in discussing or having fertility struggles). My therapy is not covered by insurance, but I don’t have fake nails, plastic surgery or a car payment so this is my way to take care of me. He has a nice voice and actually one’s voice is what I notice first in a person. Not eyes, body, etc. For me, a voice literally speaks volumes to me about a person. I like going and it is a gift to myself as well as my husband, my employer and my family and friends. It makes me stronger.
I learned something on this most recent visit. He said I was “leaning in” to this second attempt to get pregnant. Although I won’t write this as well as he said it, he gave an analogy that leaning in is like skiing. If you lean in, crouch forward, when you are skiing, you are ready for the slope and excited about it. If you lean back, you are scared and will fall or lose your balance. By leaning back (not discussing baby names or not getting excited), I am not protecting myself from anything bad that may happen again like a miscarriage. I can lean forward (talk baby names, get excited, go for it, what will be will be) or I can lean back and worry. No matter which one I do, neither will protect me from the hurt if we don’t get pregnant or have another miscarriage. I may as well lean in and hope for the best. I choose to lean in.
Thanks for reading, sharing, following and contacting me. For those that are new, this blog is a journey. You may want to start at the very first blog (Why I named my blog I should have had 10 of you) and work your way forward.
Until next time, socks!
Originally published: Wednesday, September 05, 2012
Photo by Todd Trapani on Unsplash
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