My First Christmas in Heaven
When my husband and I miscarried in June in our second trimester, as I blogged many
times before, I started seeing a therapist. I have never miscarried before and I had no
idea what to expect. I thought it was best to be proactive and just stay ahead of whatever
emotions may be coming my way. When I met with the therapist, he told me that my
husband and I should do some sort of ritual to acknowledge the loss and the life. Here it
is in late August and I have just now gone ahead with this plan. My husband is not one
for rituals. If you invite us to your wedding, he will bolt before the reception, giving some
excuse. It is not that he is not happy for you, but he is just not a fan of weddings,
receptions or even funerals for that matter. Unfortunately, I can strong-arm him into
staying for funerals, two of which we have been at this year unfortunately. Nonetheless,
he always wants to leave right after the ceremony or funeral mass. He is not one to stay
around and celebrate or grieve. It is nothing personal. It is just his preference. Maybe it is
because he and I see each other so seldom, that when we do see each other, he does
not want to spend an entire day doing something that makes him uncomfortable.
At any rate, given his history to break out in a rash at the thought of any weddings or
funerals, a ritual for our daughter would not go over well. It just does not seem like us. For
those that went to our wedding, it was small and cool (if I may say so myself). We had a
27 minute Catholic ceremony with mass (we cut out all the optional things so the non-
Catholics would not be dreading an hour long mass) followed by food at a restaurant.
There was no band, there was no hokey pokey, and there was no first dance. Just
cocktails, food, a patio and I did force him to cut the cake. I even sent the photographer
home about an hour into the reception. We just wanted a nice night out for everyone. So,
when it came to a ritual marking the loss of our daughter, I had to do some thinking….
My first thought was to plant a tree. I know my Granddad planted a key lime tree in my
dad’s yard and every time I visit my dad, I love seeing that tree. It reminds me of my
grandfather. He was Mr. Green Jeans so it was fitting that he planted a tree and now this
beautiful, thriving tree is still there bearing fruit years after my grandfather passed in
2003. I mentioned possibly planting a tree to my husband, referencing the story of the
key lime tree, and he completely missed the point. His response was, “I don’t think a key
lime tree would grow well here. They need a subtropical climate.” Um….okay. The tree is
a no go. We did not need to plant a key lime tree – it was the idea of planting something
in honor of our daughter and watching it grow. I continued on my train of thought when
something came to me.
My late mom loooooved Christmas. She always wanted to open a “Christmas” store. In
the words of Tom Hanks in “Sleepless in Seattle” talking about his late wife, “Maggie
loved Christmas. She made everything [pause] beautiful.” So did my mom. Every
Christmas Eve we would go to the Yockels for appetizers, Shirley Temples and/or
cocktails. Then we would go to the 7:00 mass at our church together. When we got
home, my mom would make cheese fondue in front of the Christmas tree, picnic style on
the floor, with a salad. Then we got to open one gift, from our Aunt MJ. It was the same
every single year and I loved it. I too carry on that tradition. My husband is not a fan of
Swiss fondue, but bless him, he chows it down every Christmas Eve.
In addition, my mom always bought my brother and me a Christmas ornament every
year. On the back of it, she would write our names and the year. She said that when we
were grown, we would have dozens of Christmas ornaments from our childhood to start
on our own trees with our families each Christmas. I don’t know how or why she started
this tradition. I do know her mother, who died when I was two, was found passed away in
her bed of natural causes and next to her were Christmas ornaments she was making.
My mom kept those ornaments, even those that were unfinished, and we too placed
those on our tree each year. I have those ornaments now plus the ones my mom gave
me every year. Maybe my mom, in some part, wanted to make sure that she finished her
Christmas ornaments for us? I have 20 Christmas ornaments from my mom before she
passed as does my brother. So, every year, when I pull out the Christmas ornaments, I
have my grandmother’s ornaments, my ornaments from my mother, my mother’s
Christmas tree ornaments, and those ornaments my husband and I have bought when
we go on vacation. My husband and I have sort of carried on this tradition in that: a) We
give my nephew Owen a dated Christmas ornament every year (for those that know my
nephew, last year’s was a KISS ornament) so he too will have many ornaments one day
when he starts his family; and b) Whenever my husband and I go on vacation, or a pet
passes, we buy an ornament to commemorate our time together on vacation or to
acknowledge the parts of our furry family we have lost. My husband is so precious that
normally on vacation, whenever we enter a gift shop, he will be the first one to make a
beeline toward a Christmas ornament. If we go to a sporting event, he will look for a
Christmas ornament. Our Christmas tree symbolizes our families and our life together. In
short, once a year, when we put that tree up, it is sweet and fun to re-live those memories
for one month each year.
In my search for a ritual to acknowledge our loss (which I was stressing over a bit), and in
a way have some sort of a memorial, I came across a Christmas ornament for a girl that
simply reads, “My First Christmas in Heaven.” How appropriate. This suits us. In addition,
our daughter was to be born at Christmas. I just ordered that ornament today complete
with the day of conception and the date of the loss. It will be a sweet reminder each year
when we pull out that Christmas ornament, acknowledge our daughter, and add her to
our family ritual. In short, she will never be forgotten. She is now, and always will be, a
part of our family history and tradition.
For those struggling with infertility, adoption or miscarriages, I think the ritual suggestion
was a very good one. A nice thing to keep in the back of your mind should you, or anyone
you love, have a loss. Everyone has different preferences or ideas, but I wanted to share
what we will be doing to acknowledge the baby girl we lost. It took me a while to think
about what is best for us so remember there is no need to rush on deciding what works
for you. I hope that by sharing this story, maybe I have given you a tool or an idea in the
event you end up going through a similar circumstance.
As I have said before, I have decided to be optimistic. I choose to be happy. I choose to
believe that our daughter is on my mom’s lap in heaven because she wanted a little piece
of us, especially at Christmas. We too will have a little piece of my mom and daughter at
Christmas.
Thanks for sharing, reading, sending me texts, messages, emails, etc. Please remember
that the Secret Handshake (see prior post) will always be extended. So many people of
all ages, races, sexual preferences are going through this and you most likely do not
know it. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Again, please see The Secret Handshake.
As always, socks (aka xoxo according to my spell-check) :)
First Published Wednesday, August 29, 2012
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