Feb 14

Feb 14 Valentine’s Day Does Not Have to be a Giant Cosmic Bitch-slap

We had a wonderful weekend. After we had an early Valentine’s dinner at an excellent restaurant, we were driving home and my husband and I kind of looked at each other and said, “Our life is kinda’ sweet, isn’t it? Even if we don’t have a child and this possibility of an adoption doesn’t work out, it sure is a good life. If it does not work out, it is for a reason.” We were very much reminded of how fortunate and lucky we are this weekend. We ate at a fabulous restaurant, booked a first class vacation, had brunch, looked at a Lexus, slept without interruption (more importantly, had some romantic time without interruption), and shopped until our heart’s desire. No worries over paying for a house that is too large and/or we cannot afford, no worrying about the cost of daycare or a babysitter, no worries about missing work, and no wondering how we will pay our bills. We can, and will, splurge on us because, well, we don’t have kids. And I have to tell you, it does not suck. Now I know all of you with kids are thinking it is so worth it. I am sure it is. However, when you have chased a dream for almost a decade and it is not happening, you have to move forward with what you do have and be grateful for it. I don’t think I know anyone that has wanted anything for a decade, actively pursued it, and it has eluded him/her. What were you doing ten (10) years ago? Today, do you still want the very same one thing that has occupied your thoughts, your actions and your daily life each day for the past decade? Like I posted earlier, we are finally free after 10 years, 3 adoptions agencies, 3 IVF cycles and 1 miscarriage (see, We won our battle with infertility post). So we MAY have a baby that is trying to find us (see, Do you believe in miracles? post), but we are going to sit back and enjoy our life. If it happens, it happens. We are so free from worry right now that I don’t really want to… ever… go back to anxiety-land. If a child wants to join us in our happy, current state, then yay. Otherwise, we will be off enjoying what life we have been given.

When I was at my meeting to be a minister for those who have experienced infertility, miscarriage, etc., I was the only minister without a child. Again, there are so many people out there battling this illness but you just don’t know it. It was a sizable group that is for sure. As I expected, all of them had very different stories but all seemed to be a bit in shock when it came to ours. They also appreciated and acknowledged how open I was about it all. As everyone spoke, it seemed I was mentioned quite often. “As Kellie said…”, “When Kellie felt…” Although we all have different stories, and NO ONE’S is the same (*important to remember that part), there is still a level of understanding there for those that know the secret handshake (see Secret Handshake post). They are all praying for us for this latest possibility. It is nothing personal, but women who have had successful pregnancies just don’t quite get it. I remember one woman telling me “ALL that she has been through with her pregnancies”. Um. Right. She had pre-eclampsia once. For those that don’t know, pre-eclampsia is the most common disorder of human pregnancy = high blood pressure. Almost everyone of “advanced maternal age” (I know that term is hated) gets it and there is nothing you can do about it other than rest. It just happens when you are carrying a baby. I think the women that have had 6-7 miscarriages and stillborn babies would love to switch places with “all” she has been through with her high blood pressure. That being said, I love it when successfully pregnant friends and women contact me and discuss infertility with me. It seems that I have helped them understand the secret handshake a bit better when they do encounter it later (second/third pregnancy) or with a friend or family member. It is amazing how me (or anyone for that matter) opening up the door a bit can help so many people. It is nothing to be ashamed of but I know there is a fear about opening up to the wrong kind of person and hearing a response you would rather not. Don’t underestimate how many people out there understand and feel your pain. They are out there. You just don’t know it because many people are afraid to talk about it. 1 in 8 suffers from infertility.

As my one friend always says (and I can’t wait to see her next weekend – xoxo!), “Life is what you make it.” So, will we be parents? No idea. There are a lot of legal hoops I cannot go into, but we will see. In the meantime, we have no worries. We have one vacation booked, two more in the works and I am thinking about taking a few flying lessons. I actually know a flying instructor. I want to discover new and amazing things with my husband. As we were driving home the other day, I said to him, “How did I get so lucky? I have the hottest, nicest, sexiest, funniest, best husband in the world.” He just smiled and said, “Uh-huh.” “No. Seriously. I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince.” I have seen this battle with fertility tear couples apart and for us, it has only brought us closer. Stay strong for those going through this. It will get better. I promise. Everything happens for a reason. Have faith that it will work out as it is supposed to and in the meantime, be grateful for your partner, prince or princess because infertility affects both men and women equally.

This Valentine’s Day, remember to say I love you to those that are present in your life. Like going through fertility struggles, don’t worry about the past or the future. Focus on the love you have in your life right now. I always liked Valentine’s Day. My mom always made it extra special because she did not like it. Her dad died on Valentine’s Day of a heart attack when she was 16. As I posted previously, her dad dropped her off at school and there was some teenage drama on my mom’s part. As she got out of the car, her dad said he loved her and she said something like she did not love him and slammed the car door. He died later that day of a heart attack and she never forgave herself. It is a nice reminder to never let things end poorly and to always end things with I love you. Therefore, every V Day for us, she gave us kisses, notes, cards, candy and gifts. Yes. Gifts. I think my mom never wanted us to feel the way she did on V Day, which was full of regret and sad. You don’t need a partner to enjoy Valentine’s Day. Remember you are loved. If you can, also try to remember your friends that are alone, widowed, single, etc. on that day. A nice text or a card would probably brighten their day. I sent a card to our former sorority house mom that is all alone in a nursing home now. She never had children. I wonder if she knew the secret handshake?

Much like life, Valentine’s Day does not have to be a giant cosmic bitch-slap. This Thursday, treat yourself. Go get a pedicure, order a pizza, snuggle up with a movie, a glass of wine and your dog/cat. Everything is fat free on Thursday. So what if your dreams have not come true yet? Me either. Big deal. Life is what you make it, whether that be through fertility struggles or on a holiday.

Much love to all of you this week. Thanks for following me on this now child-free journey (with an adoption possibility) after ten years of adoption and fertility struggles. For those that are new, this is a journey in progress. Please go to the bottom right of the home page and start with the first entry in August of 2012, “(Why I Named My Blog I Should Have Had 10 of You” and read your way forward.

Until next time, as always, socks.