My Nose Knows It Blows
I avoid going to my doctor, or any doctor for that matter, because how dare they try to keep me alive. Thankfully, I don’t have any major help issues (knock on wood). There is medications for blood pressure, which I take every day. There is only one part of my body that has impacted my life (mind out of the gutter) that a doctor would really help, but decided to self-medicate (again, mind out of the gutter).
It’s my nose.
For the last twenty years, there has been a ‘57 Chevy parked inside my nostrils. It blocks air and smells and anything else that would employee that fifth sense which has been dormant for decades.
Sure, it drips – a lot. Apparently, my nose is a one way street, with only two exits.
Well, that was about to change. At least, I hoped it would.
Up until this point, I have tried everything. Sprays, drops, nasal sticks, gels, incantations, voodoo dolls, and small animal sacrifices (well, not those last few, but you get the idea).
Then I had a bright (if not brilliant) idea.
A waterpik.
(OK, stay with me on this)
For some reason, I had a waterpik, which was weird, because I don’t remember ever using it on my teeth. However, I noticed that the water pick had an adapter to use to flush out your nose.
Who knew?
After I filled the top of the waterpik container with a warm saline solution, I stood in front of my upstairs bathroom mirror.
To bring you up to speed, this was my thought process.
My nose, really my entire nasal passage, is stuffed.
Literally.
About ten years earlier, I visited an Ear Nose and Throat Doctor. After taking an x-ray of my head, he called me over.
“Do you see this?”
He pointed to a white area that filled my sinus cavities.
“See this white area?”, he pointed, “This is suppose to be black, this is wear there’s supposed to be air. Yours is totally blocked.”
He then went on to explained that I could have Endoscopic Sinus Surgery (basically, drill into my head).
He then added, “Although, there is no guarantee that you won’t be back to this,” pointed to x-ray, “in about a year.”
That added to the reason why I wasn’t going to get the surgery.
One of the reasons was that I knew several people who had the surgery and, after the surgery, they looked like they had gone twelve rounds with Mike Tyson.
The other reason was, just prior to my doctor visit, I read a story about a woman who had the procedure done. A few days afterwards, strange liquid started to drip from her nose.
The procedure is basically this, go into you nose, drill to the left, drill to the right, and the up to clear the blockage.
Unfortunately for her, the ‘up’ drill tapped into the brain cavity, and brain fluid now dripped out of her nose.
The doctor told me they no longer do the ‘up’ part of the procedure, but the damage (for both me and that poor woman) was done.
I was not going to go through with the procedure.
Which led me to the position I was in now, and the position I was soon going to be in.
In my mind, a slow gentle massage of the area, with saline solution, would not do the job. No, in my mind, the waterpik would have to punch through the congested area with as much force as possible.
With that in mind, I couldn’t just turn the waterpik to ten. No, it needed it to go up one more, one higher (onelouder).
I turned the dial all the way to the right, the waterpik at its peak, then inserted the devise into my nostril, and hit the power button.
The force of the water into my nostril was unexpected. With this vicious punch inside my head, I went down, sure that the contents of my skull exploded out the back of my head.
In that moment, I envisioned Jackie Kennedy as she crawled across my bathroom vanity top, retrieving pieces of my brain as they scooted away from her (too soon?).
When I finally rose from the floor, the waterpik continued to spit at me, I looked at my face in the mirror.
Both eyes blood shot, tears raced down my cheeks, and some liquid dripped from my nose into the sink.
I rose on unsteady legs, the last of the water dribbled from the waterpik across the counter top.
The knockout punch that sent me to the ground, unfortunately, did nothing to clear out the blockage in my head.
Breath in, breath out?
Nope. Not now, maybe never.
Should have known that these homemade remedies are never going to work. They never do.
Don’t even get me started on how I tried to treat my hemorrhoids...
