Maybe baby?
That one month of not thinking about babies is over. We met with the specialist (“Tressel”). During our meeting, he said he was about to be called out to an ultrasound, “Kellie, you know the test where you had to hold it after drinking 2-4 liters of water?” I replied, “Yes. By all means go if they call you. I feel that woman’s pain.” [See prior post regarding Usain Bolt]
As predicted, Tressel could not be more enthusiastic, kind and willing to help us. What happened to us, in our particular case, “was like lightning striking”. It was a less than 1% chance of a miscarriage. I have already heard this from my ob, pcp and geneticist. I knew what he was going to say. This particular meeting was so my husband could hear it firsthand. What is so wonderful is that this doctor knows in detail what we have been through with adoptions and biologically. He told us in April he felt confident we would get pregnant and we did. Again, words we never thought we would say. He was right. Now, he is certain this can and will happen again but with success. He is so certain he has offered to do this at cost. In other words, he knows our gravy train is empty. He said he does not want nor need to make money off of us. He said sometimes bad things happen to good people and he wants to help us. He did not charge us for the visit yesterday and he was going to only charge us bare bones if we decide to do this again. He wants to waive all his fees. Wow. Kindness does exist. His plan would be the same ideology as before. Everything is great. My progesterone was just a bit low. Normal for a now 40 year old woman, but a bit low. The progesterone is like insurance to keep me from miscarrying. I do have to have a few more tests to check my hormone levels and to make sure that the “oven” has not been damaged by the miscarriage. No big deal. Other than that, IF we decide to do this again, it will be the same regimen. The bad news is that the progesterone is a big shot every morning at 5:00 a.m. every single day….for months. I actually cried when he told us we could stop the injections when I got pregnant. Baby? What baby? I was living day to day. I was excited for the shots to stop. I remember the specialist then asking, “Any other questions?” “Yes. When can I color my hair?” This is big important stuff here. I need answers. :)
The first time my husband gave me the progesterone shot, he had not seen the needle yet. He took one look at it and I thought he was going to pass out. I expected more from a homicide detective. He sees dead bodies regularly (and could eat a sandwich while doing it) and yet he actually said, in a low, breathy voice, “…that is one big ‘effin’ needle.” It sure is, but I did not understand what he was complaining about. The needle goes in me, not him. It reminded me of that movie “Conception” where Claire from Modern Family has to get shots and her husband is about to pass out. He says, “You do realize that if I pass out, you will have a giant needle stuck in your ass?” I had not even thought of that. Mental note to myself: Don’t watch movies named Conception prior to your (less than mechanical) husband giving you the first big shot.
My husband had to hit the targets circled in permanent marker on my back. Not my tush - more like my lower back. I would have done it myself but the angle is too difficult. I said a silent prayer the first time he did it. I kept trying NOT to think of the time he was kicking the new lawnmower in the back yard while screaming, “IT IS BROKEN!” only for me to walk out and discover it was out of gas. He can do this, I was thinking, as I was silently praying. And let me tell you, it hurts like a mother. I can tolerate pain really well. After all the tests I had been through, the shots were, by far, my least favorite. A few times, he would hit a vein and I was left with blood running down my legs and baseball sized hematomas. I had to have ice on the back of my office chair all day. The thought of going through that again, and all the exams, blood tests, etc., does not excite me. [This is where I ask that all mothers remind me it is worth it...] Blah. It is not really a pocketful of sunshine. I never pictured becoming a mother to involve so much poking and prodding…um…well, I mean medically.
I am waiting for some financial information. The specialist wanted to talk to the business department to let them know he is charging us next to nothing for this. I am not sure what “next to nothing” is to a zillionaire so I am not holding my breath. Plus, we have to see if our insurance, by some miracle, may pick up some of this cost now. If finances allow for one last attempt, I will do whatever my husband wants. I asked him what he thought yesterday and he said to me, “Don’t put this on me!” Why yes, I think I will. I am the one getting shots, exposing my yahoo to a variety of doctors, missing work for exams, blood tests and ultrasounds. I will be delivering our child. I am on board if finances allow but want my husband to make the final decision. A friend of mine said to me today, “Maybe he does not want to say that because you (and your body) have been through a lot. He does not want to pressure you into this decision after all you have been through.” Funny. I never thought of that. I was wondering if he was up for this again, never thinking he may be concerned about me. After the miscarriage, I was most concerned about him (see prior posts) rather than myself. I do not want to push him, but maybe he does not want to push me? Then, a co-worker butted in and said, “Kellie, YOU need to want the baby more than this. A baby is all consuming.” That is when my friend responded, “She has been doing this almost ten years! I think she is plenty prepared and knows exactly what she is doing!” (Friends are wonderful, aren’t they?).
What people, in particular some women like aforementioned co-worker, do not understand is that, after almost a decade, I am fine with what will be – whatever that is. I am not the hormonal, crazed woman that must have a baby. It is not that I don’t want us to be parents. It is that, if we are unable to be parents, it will still be okay. People dying of cancer would love to have this problem. Try one last time to have a baby or not? As I have posted earlier, it was never about having a baby but more about motherhood. It makes no difference to me how it happens. I don’t want to go bankrupt, have 10 miscarriages and/or end up divorced. I have seen that happen many times, believe it or not. Couples can go through horrid things while trying to expand their families, and even after becoming parents, are then in financial distress and end up getting a divorce. I feel for them. This process of trying to be parents is very trying. At the very least, I am proud of our resilience and attitude. At some point, I have to be okay with whatever happens. I am at that point. I love my husband and I want whatever he wants, but we won’t go bankrupt or get a divorce to achieve parenthood. At some point, you have to have faith that whatever happens, happens for a reason. For now, our current status is maybe.
Maybe baby?
Thanks for sharing, reading and commenting. As always, thanks for your support.
Until the next decision, socks.
Originally Published: Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Read More of KLC’s work, click here
Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash
