Wiseguy
I’m a wise-cracker, wiseacre, wisenheimer- whatever term you like. I’ve got a snappy comeback or a little turn of a phrase for lots of things. I come by it naturally because I grew up with an old man that had a million of ‘em. Always a storyteller, he’d have people gathered around him listening to his sagas and jokes at every gathering. They’d always say to my mother “Oh, Charles is so funny”. My mom didn’t think he was such a riot but that’s a story for another day.
As I said, Dad was a very funny guy, especially with a couple of belts down the hatch. One night he was frequenting his favorite gin mill (his words) and there was to be live entertainment in the form of a comedian. The guy was late so the owner says to my dad “Hey Charlie, could you get up and tell a couple of jokes until the guy gets here”. Apparently, Dad had them guffawing because afterwards a talent scout from the Burlesque Circuit asked my father if he’d like to join the Circuit. Burlesque is a style of performances in a variety show format. It emerged and ran alongside vaudeville. These were popular from the 1860s to the 1940s, often in cabarets and clubs, as well as theaters, and featured bawdy comedy. Many mainstream comedians like Abbott and Costello, Bob Hope, Jack Benny and Al Jolson all got their start on the Burlesque Circuit. At this point you’re wondering ”How old are you that you had a Dad that was a young man in the 30’s? Yeah, I was a BIG surprise baby. My dad, born in 1909, was 45 when I was born. Oopsy. Again, another story for another day. Any-who, my grandmother, whom I am named after, put the kibosh on the whole thing. Aunt Rose informed Gram about the awful life filled with lots of booze and loose women and said “Our Charles has no place there”. So thanks to Aunt Rose, Pop’s career as a comedian died right there. Aunt Rose is also credited with putting a halt to Uncle John’s tap dancing career. Uncle John was built and danced like James Cagney. Along with his partner, Albert, they were going to take it on the road and try to get on the Circuit, too, but there goes Aunt Rose telling Gram the Circuit was a surefire way to hell. “Our John has no place there”. What a killjoy. So the boys had to be satisfied with entertaining their family. Dad’s jokes may not have made him famous but his sayings and stories live on in my family and have been passed down to my children and my nieces and nephews. My daughter, Cara, actually wants me to compile a complete list with the help of one of my sisters. Below are just a few of our favorites.
He didn’t have enough hair to make a wig for a grape.
I’ve seen better heads on lettuce.
He was so cheap he wouldn’t pay ten cents to see Christ ride a bicycle.
You like that dress? You’d better grab it quick your bum (not his word) is eating it.
She had enough folds to hide a week’s worth of rain.
I’m sure Chuck (we wouldn’t dare call him that to his face) is keeping them rolling around in heaven. I wonder if he’s booked anywhere?
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Photo by Kane Reinholdtsen on Unsplash
